different view of going back to work from a mumma that has has to suffer from post natal depression, Something that myself have never had to deal with, So i thought why not let Letizia from Blesswithaiko have her say on the subject of going back to work.

I've been tossing around the idea of going back into work for a few months now.. I won't bore everyone with my post natal depression story but I've been suffering quite badly and one of the reasons why is because I've never not had a job. Even though people say being a mum is a full time job in itself it's just not the same as going out to work. I love going to work and not being confined to my house. Originally I wanted to stay off work until my daughter was 1. That soon changed after she was born. People have been trying to persuade me into not going back to work but i've known for a while now that I need it. Working is good for my mind. I've been out of work for 9 months. Don;t get me wrong, I love being with my daughter but sometimes I need to just get away. I'm alone with her 24/7 with no help as her dad works away 99.9% of the time and I think it's nice for us both to have a little time around others, especially now shes a little bigger and becoming more independent herself.

The only thing that is getting to me are the negative comments i've received  from both family/friends and random people. People always find a way to bring you down when your on a high. With the depression a small comment can be over thought and put you into a massive downward spiral, it makes you so sensitive to anything remotely negative. I've avoided leaving the house on so many occasions and going out, never mind going for a job interview. Can you imagine how hard it is to try and convince someone to like you when you don't even like yourself. I've gained so much weight, I've gone from a size 10 to a size 16 and my self esteem has never been so low. I used to dance and be so creative, I used to network and socialize so much. Now I don't even like to go out with friends. I don't go anywhere without the baby because I feel like with her people can at least think "oh she's fat because she hasn't long had a baby". It took so much to attend my interviews and try to find the old happy, self confident me, then people want to attack me for leaving my child and try to make me feel like a bad mother for wanting to provide for us and taking the next step to making myself better.
I had my training days on Friday and Saturday, they were full days and my goodness. What a shock to the system, but a good shock! I felt like a new woman with a new lease of life. The managers gave such inspirational talks and told us that they chose us because we were confident, intelligent and bubbly, all things I forgot about myself. The job role itself is just amazing and right up my street so I'm going to do everything in my power to prove to them and myself that they didn't make the wrong decision.

Going to work has been hard though, I found myself at my lunch times just watching videos of my little girl and missing her but i had to keep telling myself that it's only a day or two a week and that i get extra smiles and cuddles when I walk through the door. I really needed this change. I know my daughters in good hands and I just want all new mums to know that It's okay to leave your little ones to go back to work and it's also okay not to go back to work. We all know when were ready and other peoples opinions about how you parent or go about life should have no impact on the decisions you make. It's a massive decision and only you can make it.

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so as some of you know, i now live with my darling boyfriend. Dont get me wrong i am loving it hes great but there are somethings that fucking grind my gears! so heres some things he does that pisses me of.

1. walks through the door and takes his shoes off in the middle of the floor in any room
2. takes his socks off and leaves them wherever he likes
3. puts his dirty dish right by the dishwasher... seriously? are you trying to make me mad
4. leaves the bathroom floor soaking wet EVERY SINGLE TIME  
5. he hits my left boob about 20 times a day as he walks past me
6. he always asks me where his stuff is like im his properties keeper!
7. He leaves broccoli stalks in the sink! EW
8. he moves the coffee table every evening to rest his foot so he can ice his ankle... is my living room a treatment centre?
9. He farts really loud all the way to the bathroom in the morning at 5.50am!! FUCK OFF! 
10. he shits with the door open EVERY TIME!
11. he teaches mason the stupidest of things, like to throat punch me... apparently its "banter"
12. he uses my phone to look at stupid conspiracy theories. why is he pretending hes intelligent ? 
13. he puts BBQ sauce over my meals like they taste like shit...RUDE
14. he hates that im addicted to instagram. hes such an old man 
15. he makes out to everyone he hates me but i know hes a big softie that still spoons me most nights!
16. Leaves my pegs all over the place when he's really kind and does the washing. 
17. Empties the dishwasher and puts the stuff back in the wrong places and claims he doesn't know where stuff goes...after 5 months?! Seriously!! 

You're now the proud owner of a beautiful little human, who is now going to be in your care for the rest of their lives.... daunting right?

Some say the first 2 weeks with a new born is the hardest, physically, mentally and emotionally and they're not wrong. Your are so in love with this little thing you've created, but you're so sleep deprived, you probably ache and you've probably had enough of people coming to see you and baby and everyone speaking in that silly high pitched baby voice. But looking back on my first 2 weeks with mason, it was probably my favourite.

I was thrown in at the deep end when i got home. i had 2 and a half days before my parents went away for 2 weeks and ray was away with work so I was going to be on my own pretty much most of the time.


The first night home is awful. No one tells you about your milk coming in, like its cruel. they tell you that labour is painful and all that but your milk coming in is a while different matter. That first night home I dont think i slept. Mason was feeding every hour and i was having hot and cold sweats my boobs had swollen and were like rocks. i couldn't put my arms by my side because they were just so painful! i remember being propped up by cushions all around me holding mason up to my boob my arms aways from them. it was horrible. I cried, alot. But that morning there was a knock at the door and god sent an angel in the form of a health visitor that was a breast feeding specialist! HALLELUJAH! I opened the door and in she came, i wasnt dressed, i had no make up on and you could see id be crying, but she came in and the first thing she said was " you poor thing, your engorged have you a pump, lets get you comfy" this woman needed a medal, she was so lovely helped me with masons latch and everything after that i felt a whole lot better about my parents leaving on the Saturday.

Saturday came and i cried again when my mum left, but i got my shit together and manned up. After they left and mason was napping i cooked up a massive batch of chilli and popped it in the fridge. Having dinners already cooked up is a god send. i remember heating up my dinner about 4 times once before actually eating it. [be prepared for cluster feeding, you will feel like a dairy cow]

Newborns sleep alot in the day, so make the most of it, everyone says sleep but in reality if you did that then your house would be a tip and yes that doesnt matter, but if you want people to think you have your shit together when they come and see you and the baby, then you will need to do a minimal amount of housework. [minimal being the important word in that sentence]. Some doctors say you cant hoover for like 6 weeks after a C-section but i think they just try and cover their backs, see what you can do but not hoovering for 6 weeks is a bit cray cray!

I did get cabin fever from being stuck in the house on my own, waiting for people for visit and waiting for the mr to be back from work. 5 days old i decided to take mason out and walk around my local retail park, thought it was the best idea ever, until the next day i was in so much agony. If youve had a C-Section please please please remember to take your tablets every 4 hours, and every day till you have no more left, if you feel better and stop taking them you will feel it the next day!

Ray came to stay a couple of days at a time, and it was as if nothing had every changed. as if the last time i saw him was last week not 8 months ago. Everything seemed to fall into place from then on, He was petrified to hold mason, he was tiny, i dont blame him, but he got used to it and now, i think hes got this parenting thing down better than me. I remember seeing the first time he held him, i had gone downstairs to get something and mason was crying, and as i came back upstairs through the banister i saw him just holding this tiny baby so awkwardly, just looking at him. Mason instantly stopped crying and he put their faces together and mason was sucking the end of his nose. I just stopped and watched, wish i took a picture. He would hate me if i reminded him of that though, he has the emotional range of a tea spoon. But i'll never forget.

2 weeks came and went so quick, before i knew it, Mason was eating every 3 hours, sleeping for 3 hours at a time during the night and i was feeling human again. Mum and dad were back and they met ray [the first time my parents met the father of their grandchild, ever so traditional me] and that was all fine. They approved.

My biggest tip...enjoy your newborn, take 1000s of photos of them milk drunk, those gassy smiles and upload them to facebook everyday so people get fed up, they really do not stay newborn for long. Those first two weeks are hard, but they are a blur of blissful happiness that you are never going to get back. You will get the sleep back, and you will get back to leaving the house in less than an hour, but it takes practice and time. you'll get there! Remember not to push yourself too much, But seriously just enjoy, try not to panic that your doing things wrong or that your not good enough. as long as that babies bum is clean and they are fed then your doing just fine.

with babies being born everywhere and people announcing they're pregnant nearly every week on my social feeds it would be a lie if i said i wasn't broody. I miss being pregnant and i miss the smell of a new born baby and those lazy days of just feeding,napping and feeding some more. But there are no babies in the pipeline just yet.

We talk about it weekly but quite frankly i don't think either of us have the balls to be like yeah lets do it! so we umm and arrr about it instead. But with all the new born squishiness its made me think about how Mason came into this world and how his birth story is practically my favorite story to tell, and the fact i'm actually really boring and don't have that many to tell anyway.

I guess i should start at the beginning. Mason was a surprise, and i'm not ashamed to say he wasn't at all planned. Me and his dad had really only just met and it just happened. He freaked out and distanced himself for a while and i just got on with it. we lived about 60 miles from each other and it was all a bit too much. We stayed in contact throughout my pregnancy but i didn't see him after i was 10 weeks. I know people are going to think what a dick head,how could he do that. but seriously he was 22, i was 18 we weren't together, i kinda didn't expect anything from it. I was a pretty screwed on 18 year old, i had a flat, a car and a good full time job, so i knew i could probably do it on my own anyway, when i say on my own, i mean i could when i moved back home to mum and dads!

Fast forward 30 weeks and its the day before my due date. The nursery was ready, baby grows had been folded and re folded again and again while i was on maternity leave and I was just waiting for a baby.I had a really easy pregnancy, i loved it, but i wanted this boy out. On the Sunday i went for a 4 mile walk with my mum, something i'd never really done before with my mum but it was lovely. Surprisingly didn't really tire me out as much as i thought it would and i was still full of energy so, i also walked down to my brothers house too [ it was a 10 min walk down a hill nothing too major].

Its now 4.30am Monday morning, and i wake up thinking i need to go for a wee,so i went but when i got off the loo i was still weeing [ like ew, why cant i stop myself from weeing] I stayed really calm cleaned up the mess wrapped a towel round me and stood at my mums door whispering 'mum,mum wake up, mum' she didn't wake up [bitch] so i went back to bed and just ignored it [as you do].

7.00am i hear mums up, so i called her into my room and i told her i think my waters broke [ i wasn't sure though because it wasn't a gush of waters like it is in the films] and she started going crazy, panicking and just being weird. she told me to ring the birthing centre and see what they said. I was all a bit too calm for it, and just ignored her and ran a bath and chilled in there till about 8.30am. I then called the hospital and they said come in were examine you and were see. So i got out the bah text ray and said my waters broke, he calmly replied 'cool' and that was that i drove me and mum to the hospital. At this point i was having braxton hicks, no real consistency between them and they didn't hurt, and i knew they would send me home so i was okay driving 30 mins to the hospital and back.

I got the birthing center [ i wanted a water birth] and they began to examine me. this made me slightly sick because the midwife was talking about touching my babies head and i freaked me out, then suddenly i hear this alarm and she rips her hand out of me and legs it. [no consideration for my Vajayjay at all] she then comes back calm and a cucumber and starts asking me when i last felt baby move. when i thought about it i hadn't felt him since my waters broke [my back waters apparently] so they took me too this room and i was hooked up to a monitor [there goes any chance of a water birth]

so its now about 10.30am on Monday i'm attached to this machine in a random ward with no one on for what seemed like days. quite frankly i thought i was going home i clearly wasn't. I was having contractions but they weren't phasing me at all, when the midwife came to check on me she asked if i could feel them as they were going up on the monitor but i couldn't my belly just went hard. After being on the ward for a few hours i was starving and started to realize i wasn't going anywhere any time soon so mum and i went to the shop to get food and magazines to keep up occupied. I was then moved to a room on my own round the corner from the labour ward and that's where we set up camp till i was in proper labour. My mum stayed with me the whole time bless her.

Every 4 hours [even through the night] i had to be examined and have something shoved up me. Now people say you loose all dignity when you have a kid and i just wasn't ready to loose mine. Every time someone came in i would try and still be under the covers,or id hide my face or just cry [yes actually cry] with embarrassment. i couldn't get over the fact that i had a stranger elbow deep in my nuuun. I did manage to get some sleep Monday night so be it only 4 hours.

Tuesday morning, i'm still having contractions, no real timing between them but it had been more than 24 hours since my back waters broke so they did let me go on to the labour ward where they were going to brake my waters fully and put me on a drip. by this point i was about 3cm dilated, nothing major no real pain, just a headache. I was put in this massive room in the corner of the building with a massive window. i had a lovely midwife too. I was all very chilled. she broke my waters which is possibly the weirdest feeling ever and they put me on a drip. this is when everything started happening.

The contractions were getting stronger and quicker, every 2 mins in fact, but i still wasn't feeling them. I was just led on the bed watching it rain, but i was shivering. mum asked me if i was cold and i said no and the midwife quickly jumped in and said ' your body is in shock from the pain, are you sure you cant feel it' and i couldn't.

 Things weren't progressing as quickly as they should of so i was getting up and walking about still on Instagram of course [haaaa] and watching the monitor go up every time i had a contraction. I then had a doctor come in and look at masons heart beat on the monitor. it was doing something funny, but she said lets leave it another hour. about 30 mins later, another doctor comes in and says the same thing, about an hour passes [maybe longer i'm not sure] and a different doctor comes in and looks at the monitor and looks at the midwife and says 'what is she still doing here get her to theater'... i was really calm up until this point, i mean really calm, nothing was phasing me, until i heard those words.

The midwife was explaining what was happening and what was wrong with mason. [his heart wasn't doing what it was meant too, it wasn't going up and down but staying really level and apparently that's not normal] so i cried, sobbed like a baby, i thought he was going to die, i was going to die, basically we were all going to be dead. then in walks my midwife i had from my very first midwife appointment and she really calmed me down again, then mum walks in full scrubs [which was hilarious] and i was back to normal [so i thought] but apparently the moment they told me i was going to have an emergency C-section my blood pressure decided to go up, and up, and up. The doctor came in looked at me and said ' you need to calm down, otherwise we cant get this baby out'



I was then marched down to theater after putting on those horrible green socks and i was given a spinal block. Do you know how impossible it is to sit still while they are giving you an injection that could potentially paralyze you if your not while your having a contraction... yeah they asked  me to do that. I lead on the bed and had an ice cube rubbed on me from my toe to my nipple to see if i could feel anything, I couldn't... and away they went. Explaining everything incision that they were doing, EVERYTHING.

If your wondering what a C-section feels like, imagine someone doing the washing up in the belly, or someone punching you on your left side but you can feel it on the right. Its strange, painless and somewhat fascinating. I don't know how long i was in there or what but i heard the words ' and we have a baby' now, i saw said baby, but i couldn't hear said baby, so i panicked looked over to mum crying, and was saying 'mum,mum what happened' she laughed [bitch,again] and said nothing hes perfect and i was given this baby, with his eyes open, with bright pink lips just looking at me.


I've cried at most episodes of one born but when he was born i was just so happy, i couldn't cry, also i was so sleepy from some codeine they have given me for a headache just before i went down to theater so all i wanted to do was close my eyes and sleep. Mum was holding him and i was taking pictures trying my hardest to keep my eyes open. then everything was a bit of a blur. I think mum took him back up to my room, and i was left to be stitched up. That in itself was a very strange experience. i was half awake half asleep hearing doctors talk about what they were having for dinner, i swear to god i heard one playing candy crush, and i could see what they were doing to my tummy from the reflection of the light. The whole thing was strange. The room is so bright, you feel like your in heaven. i basically thought i was dead, and then i picked that moment to fall asleep. some time passed and i saw mason again, and mum gave him too me, we started feeding and he latched on so perfectly, and then in comes a cuppa and some toast! the first time you have toast in hospital its the best thing. but after that its shit! horrible in fact! I remember texting ray saying 'he's here' and i got the very calm reply again of 'cool'  then we spent some time texting each other, sending him pictures ect. he was working away so i had to wait for him to come back till he could come and see us.

the first night mum stayed with me, she slept upright on a chair, she actually hadn't left my side the whole time we were in there, she was amazing. I thought mason slept all night that night, turns out he didn't, mum got up to him, apparently he wasn't hungry either, or if he was i don't remember feeding him but she changed his first nappy and everything. she went home the next morning to get some sleep and i was left with this baby, this perfect,peaceful, beautiful human being, and then i was mum. forever and always, and its the best thing that ever happened.

we stayed in the hospital for 48 hours, didn't leave till the Thursday evening, and i was happy, felt amazing, i was walking around better than some of the ladies that gave birth naturally, but i was so happy to be going home. So ready to be the best mum i could.